Jaxon Robert Shaw..Finding out he was a boy. 💙🌈

This may sound terrible of me. I’ve wanted to write this particular blog for a little over a week now but didn’t quite know how to go about it. And honestly, I was a little worried that people would think badly of me. But this is me, this is my blog, these are my real, raw emotions and I am not going to sugarcoat anything. 

The moment I lost Peyton, I immediately knew that I wanted another baby. I went home from the hospital and my arms were so empty. I had my earthly babies to hold, but I needed to feel the weight of my baby that I had just given birth to. I would have tried right at the six week mark for another if the doctors would have given me the green light. See, the doctors needed specific bloodwork run to make sure all my levels were back to normal and to make sure that I didn’t have any blod clotting disorders. They even did some weird bloodwork to see if I was at a higher risk of getting preeclampsia again. All came back perfect and we were given the green light to start trying in July. 

We got pregnant on our first cycle trying....thank you God. His timing was just absolutely perfect. But from the moment we started trying, I prayed for another girl. I begged Him to give me another girl. I felt like I would be getting back pieces of Peyton back. I would get to see her clothes be worn, I would get to see her things actually be used instead of be stuffed into a box to collect dust. I even started buying baby girl clothes. 

But every single time I would pray for that baby girl, I would get this thought in the back of my mind. I would think....”God is going to give us what we need. Just be thankful for this chance to bring another little life into this world. Pray that above all else, that this baby is healthy.” That was God speaking right to me. 

I was so hoping for a girl but deep down, I felt like it was a boy. Deep down I would think...”my heart may break if I don’t get to see Peyton’s things be used. I want my baby girl back.” 

On Tuesday, October 30th, I got the phone call from our MFM. They did some in depth bloodwork to make sure baby was looking good chromosomally and genetically. With that bloodwork came the gender information. I first got the news that we were Low Risk of anything genetically or chromosomally being wrong. THANK GOD!!! And then they told me that baby is a boy. 💙 I immediately fell deeper in love with this baby because I could finally bond with him and call him by name. I never once felt sad. I think I was so thankful to hear that he was healthy, that nothing else mattered. 

God had a plan all along and Jax is supposed to be here with us. He has specific plans for all of our children. All 4 of them have a purpose here on earth and I know Jax is coming to do big things. 

I think God knew that for me, a boy was just what I needed. After talking to Brett about it, we both felt that it would always be hard because we would think of the baby girl as Peyton and that just wouldn’t have been fair to her...or to Peyton. He has given us exactly what we need and we are so thankful. 

I know it sounds horrible. I should have just been happy that I was able to have another but I think the whole “grief” thing just does things to you. It makes you think and feel certain ways sometimes and that’s ok!! It’s hard. 

I am just so in love with this little guy though and I can’t wait to get my hands on him. I can’t imagine how emotional it’s going to be seeing him for the first time. I can’t wait to hear him cry and see him take that first breath. What an incredible moment that will be. I know this will help me heal in a lot of ways.