Waiting On My Rainbow

Y’all, I am so ready for another baby. My heart is ACHING for another baby. I can’t wait for the moment that I hold my living, newborn baby in my arms again. Future baby...that’s what we will call it...will NEVER replace Peyton, however, it will help heal this massive wound in my heart. 

I am so very thankful for my two living children. I squeeze them tighter now...I spend my time with them more intentionally too, but when you birth a deseased baby, and hold that baby in your arms...go home without that baby...your heart aches for the day where you can have another and everything be ok. 

I NEED another baby. I am such a “mommy” ...I am a nurturer, I NEED to be needed and some of my favorite moments were when I would be up in the middle of the night nursing my babies. No one else around, just us. I would take in every single moment and just love them so much in those moments. I desperately need that again. 

I want another, yes, but I also realize it will be different this time. I will constantly worry about this baby. And I am prepared to feel some guilt here and there. Guilt for loving on and having another. Guilt that only comes with grief. I have to keep reminding myself that Peyton doesn’t care if we have another. She won’t be hurt by that. She will be happy. She will understand that mommy will always love her and will never forget her. But for mommy’s heart, she needs to have another. 

It’s all in God’s timing. He knows what we need and He has plans for us. He is in control and when He feels the time is right, I know He will send us our little Rainbow baby....Our Storm will never be over...we will always long for Peyton, but our hearts need a Rainbow in the midst of this storm.