Peyton’s Celebration Service

On January 19th of 2018, we celebrated the life of our beautiful baby girl, Peyton. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever done, other than delivering her and holding her lifeless little body against my chest. It’s a pain that no one should ever have to feel.  

That was the first day that I saw her urn. It was so tiny. I didn’t know it was going to be so tiny. And that made me so sad. We had just immediate family there. Just our parents and siblings. I couldn’t bare the thought of having to talk to anyone...or be face to face with anyone. I wasn’t quite ready for a room full of people. I knew it was going to be hard to get through and I didn’t want it to be any harder on us than it had to be. 

Her service was absolutely perfect and our Pastor did and amazing job. I remember being so overwhelmed with sadness sitting there....hearing the Pastor speak about our baby. It almost felt like my heart was finishing breaking into it’s tiny little pieces. It’s hard because you know that life brings death. You know that your grandparents will pass. You know that your parents will pass. Your sisters and brothers will pass. You expect all of that to happen one day....that’s life’s design. I know one day, as heartbreaking as it is, that I will have to bury my parents. And I hope that that is a long time from now. But a parent should NEVER have to bury their child. It’s just not how it’s supposed to be. It’s not the way we all had it pictured. It’s not fair. 

The memorial was such a final step feeling. I felt like that was the true send off. But even in my sadness, I found that little shred of hope peaking through. That little message from God...that peace that he brings. He was reminding me that this is all so temporary. We are temporarily here on Earth and one day, I am going to see her again. I will hold her in my arms and I will not be sad anymore. Talk about a feeling of peace. A feeling of comfort. She will hug us and call us Mom and Dad and she will be so perfect.

There is still (and always will be) so much pain. It’s still so surreal that we have lost our baby girl. I miss her so much and the grieving process will be long and hard but we have God in our hearts and with us every step of the way. We will get through this because we have Him and the hope of seeing Peyton again one day. We can’t even begin to thank our church family, family, and friends enough for all of the love, prayers, support, cards, food, flowers, etc. Y’all will never know how much each and every prayer meant/means to us.

There are some days/nights that are just rough. 💔 Brett and I try to be so strong for the kids. We try to be so strong for each other. At first, I tried so hard to move on but one night, one of the sweetest ladies that I have ever met looked at me as we were talking and said, “you do NOT have to be strong. It’s ok.” I needed to hear that at that exact time. Once we got home from church, Brett and I put the kids to bed and I just burried my head in his chest and cried. And it felt SO GOOD. I needed that cry so badly. I needed to let myself fall apart. It’s NOT good to hold it in. I don’t have to be strong ALL THE TIME. And neither does Brett. And it’s not good for our marriage if we don’t let each other know when we are having our down moments. We have to talk and be open.  Grief is just such a weird thing. Such crazy emotions are hitting you at all different times. I have said this myself too, because some days I feel this way...and some days I cringe when I hear it....but yes, I do have 2 beautiful and healthy children here with me. Some days that’s enough and I thank God for them every single day...but some days that’s NOT ENOUGH. Some days I think yes, it’s great that I have them but I am missing one. I gave birth to a beautiful little baby....and I don’t get to keep her. I miss her. I miss feeling her in my belly. I miss planning out our future with her. I miss the thoughts of our future with her. Instead, I will miss everything with her. I will miss her walking for the first time. I will miss her first Christmas, her first words, I will never see her get married....and that all just hurts. I still ache deep down, in my soul for her. That will never go away. She will always be a missing piece from our puzzle.  Sometimes the grief and heartbreak hit me so hard, out of nowhere...it’s hard to catch my breath. But, every single time I start to feel like I am falling apart, God always sends me that sense of Peace that I just can’t explain. He has never left me. I have never felt alone. I know he feels the pain, right there with me. I will never be able to explain that sense of comfort but that’s how I know he is right there with me...I feel him the most in those moments where I just can’t catch my breath from the pain. That peace always reminds me that He has my sweet Peyton and she is right there where she needs to be...she is safe and happy and where we all want to be one day. “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted. He rescues those whose spirits are crushed.” Psalms 34:18